Have A New Kid By Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman

I saw this book in our local Christian bookstore and was excited to get my hands on a copy. I should be clear for respect of my son that I do not desire a “new” kid, but I was hoping to gather some information as to how we can curb the newfound five year old backtalking syndrome. I trusted that since it was in a Christian bookstore and I’m a Christian, that it would be helpful to me. I never contemplated I may not agree with it. As I was reading, however, I started to feel a bit uncomfortable. I felt perplexed until it finally dawned on me that I just have a very different parenting philosophy than the author.

Now, I will begin by saying that if you’ve been a pushover parent and let your child get away with murder, than maybe this book is for you. For the regular rest of us, I say watch out. There were many things in this book that I disagreed with, and I will highlight a few of those areas now.

I felt the majority of this book was negative. If you’re familiar with the website we run in conjunction with this blog, you’ll know alittle bit about our parenting philosophies and if certain books measure up to them. For those who agree with our philosophies, this book will probably come off somewhat alarming. There’s not a lick of attachment parenting or positive discipline. The book works off a single notion that children are manipulative. I felt uncomfortable starting out assuming the worst of my child. Does he manipulate sometimes? Sure, but not nearly as much or in the ways the book implies. A description of the book on the back cover highlights “gutsy” advice. I don’t know if I really want my parenting to be “gutsy.” Understanding, gentle, compassionate, and close knit are the terms I am more appreciative of, but “gutsy,” well no.

The author writes with a sarcastic type wit I assume intended to be funny, however, the terms used to describe children leave a bad flavor in my mouth: “hedonistic little suckers of the ankle-biter battalion.” I have to say I grew tired of his sarcasism and negativity.

The hard part about this book is that there is reasonable advice in it. It seemed one sentence would be fine, and then the very next sentence would send me into alarm. This is why it took me quite a ways through the book to figure out that I really didn’t actually agree with him. Certainly, there are childhood behaviors that are unacceptable and must be dealt with. There are, of course, some better ways to deal with them than others. I’m not suggesting by not following his advice to let your children walk all over you, but I am recommending to be weary of some of the advice.

The way children are recommended to be treated in this book seems so harsh to me. He even warns of this. This book is not for the wuss or wimp. There are no warnings or second chances for the children.

Here’s the basics of the book:

Your child is manipulating you. This is how you should deal with it. If your child does something you don’t like, you wait until your child wants something and then you say “no.” You continue to say no until the behavior changes. It’s done calmly with no anger. You simply say no, turn your back and walk away. The author believes your child will want to know why, so he will ask you. Then there’s a teachable moment. The author also states the phrase constantly “B doesn’t happen until A is completed.” This means your child doesn’t get what they want until whatever you want gets accomplished.

Here’s an example. Say you want your child to take out the trash and they don’t want to do it? He recommends to do it yourself, don’t say anything, and then quietly dock their allowance. The problem with this method of philosophy to me is that 1) you must remember the punishment at a later date, and many parents will forget, 2) every other disciplining book I have read states that punishments or discipline need to be carried out immediately upon the unacceptable behavior or the child will have a difficult time connecting what behaviort the punishment was for. I know this from personal experience. My son doesn’t understand punishments handed out even an hour or two later. They must be immediate to make an impact.

I also feel the author’s advice is just as manipulative as the child’s supposed manipulation. I feel the way he recommends parents behave is sneaky and underhanded. Will you get your child’s attention? Sure, but will it produce the results that you want? I am very upfront with my husband and children. I address issues that I have. Everything is on the table. This is healthy communication. This way my family members always know exactly where they’re at with me. There’s no game playing.

Here’s an example:

Say your teenager (this book could agruably be geared more towards teenagers) decides one Sunday they don’t want to go to church. His advice is let them stay home since you can’t make them attend, and then go out to lunch after church, go shopping, have a grand old time, and don’t come home until hours later. He feels that if your child feels they will miss out, they’ll be ready to come the next Sunday. I feel this is problematic on so many levels. Why not first try asking your teenager why they suddenly don’t want to go? Maybe it’s something you can work on together or address and solve. I also don’t think this advice will work. What I feel like it does is further damage the parent-child relationship and alienates the teen. Then I have to ask: is it possible to raise a child that wants to go to church or wants to have good behavior or whatever without having to punish and coerce them to do it? You may be able to force them to go by assigning them extra chores if they stay home or docking their allowance or grounding them or whatever, so basically they have no choice to go or face an unpleasant alternative, but I want to know how do you raise a child so that they actually want to go to church out of their own free will and enjoy it while they are there. Now see that’s the type of advice I’m interested in: having children who do the right thing of their own accord.

You know what the answer is, don’t you? Consistency and modeling the behavior yourself. Funny, these things are mentioned numerous times in the book. Children learn most of their behaviors right in the home. If you don’t like how your child is acting, take a long, hard look at your behavior. The book readily acknowledges this fact, but fails to alter the method to suit this. What we have here with this book is just another failed attempt at truly well behaved children, filled instead with more ways to punish your children. I know from personal experience that if a child is mercilessly punished over and over, it won’t teach them to correct their behavior, but in turn, it will cause them to feel frustrated and angry. The advice in the book may work, but will it make the parents and children closer? I feel in many circumstances it won’t.

I have experienced with my son that when he backtalks or does something else I don’t care for, it’s usually because he is frustrated about something. When we talk about it and open the lines of communication, we get a lot farther than when I simply hand out punishments.

Now if the book just stopped with the main principles to have a new kid in five days, that would have been one thing. However, the author then proceeds for approximately ¾ of the entire rest of the book to give his advice, which is where the real problems begin.

“An unhappy child is a healthy child.” Do you agree with this statement? The author maintains parents work too hard to make their children happy and what the child needs is a dose of reality. How sad.

The author asserts that your child has fears because he wants you in his room with him at night. I paraphrased that a bit. If this were true, do you blame your child? It’s a nice compliment really. As a child, I was fearful of everything, almost to a paralyzing sense. My mother treated me with compassion because she understood that, to me, my fears were extremely real. In my case, it wasn’t because I wanted more of her attention, it was because I truly was scared. Fears are very normal for children because their little minds don’t yet have the complexity to understand that their fears aren’t real. In reality, even adults have some fears. Learning to control and face your fears comes with age, so treat your kids gently until they conquer their fears. Don’t kid yourself that “stepping into the room” to console your child will “lose the battle.” The author also recommends not to lie in your child’s bed or cuddle when taking your child back to be if he/she gets out of it once tucked in or “you’ll be reinforcing the behavior and violating the child’s individual space that needs to be solely hers.” What? You’ll also be missing out on one of the most special aspects of having little children.

I hate the author’s advice on bedtime battles as well. Is your child manipulating you when they ask for a drink of water after being tucked in? Sometimes yes, but what if they really are thirsty? How miserable is it to be forced to go to bed with a dry throat and not be allowed to soothe it? In our house, we consider our son’s needs and comfort. If your child continually “manipulates” for a glass of water after the bedtime routine, try making it a part of the bedtime routine and have one by the bedside. It’s a whole lot more compassionate than to simply ignore the request and denying your child some water.

Ah yes, the family bed. The author recommends against it. I’ve come to regard the family bed as being a very natural place for children to sleep as this is very common in many other cultures. An idea of children sleeping away from their parents tucked in their own rooms is a recent concept. The author believes your child “doesn’t belong there,” meaning your bed. Says who? Do what works for you. How will you get it on with little bodies between you and your spouse? Well, not in the bed, but I’m sure there are plenty of other places in the house. The bed can get boring sometimes after all.

“It takes a certain type of personality for a parent to be able to homeschool effectively (and also a certain personality of the child)…” In actuality, all it really takes is commitment and dedication through realizing how beneficial homeschooling is. While the author is respectful of homeschooling, don’t let the above quote deter you. Many people wonder if they are qualified to teach their children and doubt their abilities. The fact is most of us can and perhaps should be homeschooling our children. You’re qualified, even if you sometimes need to use outside help, resources, etc. More parents should take an active interest in their child’s schooling. It doesn’t take a special type of person as evidenced by all the many different types of people who choose to homeschool.

Here’s a bit of startling advice he recommends about interruptions. No parent likes to be interrupted, especially while on the phone. There are examples in the book of locking a child outside when they are bothering you. This advice also turns up in other areas of the book such as bedtime battles or tantrums. Not only did I find this advice ridiculous, it is damaging. Explain to your child how you want them to act while you are on the phone. It should be as simple as that. Locking your child out of the house isn’t discipline; it’s abuse. This type of behavior by a parent is described in numerous books on emotional abuse/manipulation. A teenager isn’t going to tolerate being locked out of the house, they’d probably leave the house, which is probably not the result you’re looking for, and younger children need supervision.

Now here’s the piece of the advice in the book that irritates me to no end. In a book about how to get your child to behave is the author’s recommendations for breastfeeding. That’s right, breastfeeding. What this advice is doing in a book such as this and what the author’s qualifications are to be making suggestions are beyond me. His recommendation is breastfeeding for only a year because “a year is plenty.” Excuse me? He bases this off of the consenus of the medical community, the same community that still gives out samples of formula to breastfeeding mothers in the hospital “just in case.” Do you know why they do this? Because formula manufacturers know that mothers are more likely to then quit breastfeeding and give their babies formula. It gives the subtle suggestion that women may not be enough for their babies. The medical community allows this! We as women do not have to go by everything the “medical community” states. They are not the ultimate authority. The benefits of breastfeeding do not magically vanish at one year and with the extremely poor breastfeeding rates in our country, perhaps women should start learning the truth. Our country is one of only a few that feels breastfeeding is strange past a year of age. To most of the world, it is normal. Women need to start feeling it is acceptable to breastfeed their babies for however long they feel is right for themselves and their babies. It may be different for every mother and baby pair, and they are the only ones who should be doing the deciding. I am so sick of yet another male giving his advice as to what women should do. This is not a man’s issue. When will we as women quit letting men dictate to us what is appropriate for ourselves? This disgusts me.

“If you buy your child a little chick at Easter, you’re nuts.” This advice refers to pets, in which the author gives many negative undertones in regards to them. I guess I’m nuts than because we have done chicks for Easter as well as ducks on some years. It’s a great experience for my children. It’s not hard to find a farm for these animals to live on once they are grown. My mom did this for me as a child, and it’s one of my most special memories. Pets are not a bad thing. Parents are not crazy for allowing their child to have a pet. Pets teach children about animals and how to respect them and care for them. I believe pets are a special and important part of childhood.

“Did you know an extremely shy child is an extremely powerful child? It’s actually a form of manipulation.” I don’t think so. Children have different personalities. Some talk a lot, some don’t. Some makes friends easily, some don’t. Some are very outgoing, some aren’t. I was very shy as a child. This was my temperment. It is natural, in my opinion, for there to be some shyness in children. Indeed, it can be a good thing. Most children outgrow it, though there are still many adults who have some degree of shyness. I think it is okay to be shy unless it is debilitating. I don’t see how it is manipulation.

Privacy is another issue the author addresses. He maintains that sometimes it is necessary to invade your child’s privacy for their own safety. Maybe this is true if the issue is extremely serious. However, the invasion of privacy by a parent violates the child. It violates the trust in the relationship and can be a sign of abuse. It’s a sticky situation. What I’m aiming for instead is how to raise a child to where I don’t ever have to snoop through their things because I can trust them. I knew friends as a teenager that shared everything with their parents. Now that’s success. I’m more interested in how those parents did it than about the times I may need to violate my child’s privacy. I believe this advice by the author fell under the “drug” advice. In this section, he also recommends if you suspect your child to be doing drugs, make them a doctor appointment in which a urinalysis can be performed without the child knowing drugs are being checked for. That way you will know. Of course, you just deceived your child and broke their trust. What you did was just manipulate your child. It was underhanded, your child will feel that way, and it probably will make them want to share things even less. Why not instead explore what may be going on with the child using drugs. Many times that pain the child is trying to escape starts at home.

I could go on and on all day. I’ll stop here though. Having a “New” kid by Friday is not only unrealistic, it’s deceptive. The principles and behaviors and morals you want to instill into your child take years, not five days. Having a close, loving, open, and good relationship with your children cannot be achieved in only five days. If something sounds too good to be true, then it probably is. Love your kids and be thankful for the ones you got. Read with caution or better yet, leave this one on the shelf.