Backtalk By Audrey Ricker and Carolyn Crowder

In short, I liked this book. I enjoyed it much more than the last one I reviewed on the same topic. While I didn’t agree with 100% of everything, most of the information felt very sound to me. I fall under the category of believing that backtalk isn’t acceptable. Treat others as you want to be treated. Sounds good to me. As parents, it is our job to guide our children in the right direction. Allowing a child to speak rudely or unkindly doesn’t benefit the child in the long run. It seems there are advocates that believe a child’s speech is a freedom of expression and therefore should be allowed. I disagree. What I particularly liked about this book is that it still appears to be in conjunction positive discipline. I didn’t feel every example in the book demonstrated positive discipline, but many of them did. A few examples seemed a little harsher than what I would utilize. The difference between positive discipline and punishment is that punishments are usually arbitary, while positive discipline seeks to have a cause and effect relationship. It is allowing children to reap the consequences of their own actions.

Backtalk can be difficult to deal with sometimes. It can ruin the mood of the whole family. Finding something effective to curb it is often times a challenge. This book highlights a plan that I feel would work for most families, irregardless of their parenting philosophies. The plan takes place in four steps and makes dealing with backtalk a whole lot easier. It has been very effective in my home.

The first step is to recognize the backtalk. Some parents have trouble in this area because they think the backtalk is cute or their child is just expressing himself or something of that nature. Basically, the book says it’s backtalk if it hurts you, embarrasses you, annoys you, or leaves you feeling helpless. I would even add to that if it is spoken unkindly even if it doesn’t bother you than it’s backtalk.

The second step is choosing the right consequence. This part is difficult many times. It’s the part I struggle with and am still working on. Choosing a consequence that is effective, but appropriate stumps me sometimes. The book’s advice is that whatever activity comes next or whatever the child was wanting or supposed to do next, should be taken away. So it goes something like if the child chooses to speak unkindly, they miss out on whatever activity is planned next for the family because they have shown by not respecting family members, they don’t want to participate. A parent can say something like “when you speak to me unkindly or rudely, it makes me feel hurt and tired. It takes up my time to feel hurt and tired, and therefore, I won’t have enough energy to drive you to the mall.” The book even advocates for children missing sports practices and activities such as that. I’m not there yet with that. I understand the reasoning, it’s just hard because I feel like sports and such is a commitment and it costs money. I feel that we didn’t make the commitment and spend the money just to take it away when our child misbehaves.

The next step is enacting the consequence. The consequence should be enacted immediately and calmly. There should be no anger on the part of the parent, just matter of factly. Now, the child will undoubtedly be upset, and that’s where step four comes in.

Step four is disengaging from the struggle. Sometimes this is hard to do. Sometimes it’s easy to want to yell back at your child or insert more punishments. It’s important to refrain. Disengage by turning your back and walking away once the consequence has been enacted. This will be hard for some parents, but it’s important. If you continue the struggle with your child, it gives the child the upper hand.

The main difference between this book and the last book I reviewed Have a New Kid by Friday by Kevin Leman was that it book didn’t seem as harsh to me, the consequences seemed much more logical and reasonable, and the consequence happens immediately along with a brief explanation as to why the consequence is being enacted. Dr. Leman’s advice was to simply refrain from saying anything to your child and (sneakily in my opinion) enact some sort of consequence that the child doesn’t immediately know about. That felt too much like playing games to me, and I don’t feel that would be effective anyhow. His premise was that it should be a secret that your child shouldn’t know about. This book is much different, more straightforward, and I feel the child will feel less confusion because of it. Children need to know what’s expected of them. I appreciated this book’s ideas much more.

I’ve given the main premises of the book in this review, but it is still important to read the book. It’s a quick and easy read. There are many case stories and examples to help parents understand. There’s explanation of the philosophies presented. The book also offers encouragement to parents. I think it’s a good book for anyone dealing with this problem to read. It just may work for you too.